Yoga for a fat person.

First, let me start with... yoga for me is not sitting around going "ooam".

If yoga, for you, is sitting around going "ooam", you may not get this post at all.  That's okay.  I wish I could sit around and go "ooam", but I get antsy in about 27 seconds.  (Okay, I never timed it... 27 might be too generous.)

So, here's an idea of what yoga is like for me.

First, you must prepare yourself.  You will need some rubber-ducky floatation devices, filled as full as possible (you want little to absolutely no flexibility in them) around your waist.  Also, you'll need some weighted padding around your arms and thighs... enough so that when you sit with your legs together out straight, your thighs touch but your feet are still 2-3 feet apart.  Oh yes, add one of those neck-encasing travel-pillows, so that your chin touches your neck without you ever bending your head.

Now, sit on the ground with your legs straddled as far out as possible, and attempt to bend forward.  Go ahead.  Notice the 1 inch you manage to move before your own body starts cutting off your supply of oxygen? It feels great, right?  

Okay...did you finally manage to get your hands to touch the ground somewhere between your feet?  Good... after holding that for an eternity or two, proceed to GRACEFULLY shift your body weight so that in one fluid motion, you go into a "plank" (appropriate, because you're about to feel dead)...lift one leg up behind yourself, then gracefully shift it so your foot is between your hands, all still without moving your arms at all!...and stand-up into a glorified torture-pose known as "warrior".  You did all that with wonderful GRACE and EASE, right?  Now, hold your arms out, straight... you're a warrior, you can't flinch or shake or lower your arms, dammit!... and stand there.

That's just one set of movements.

Hell, forget all that.  Just stand up straight and hold your arms in that position for a minute or two.
It hurts.
Any static pose that requires your muscles to hold weight for any given time HURTS.

A year ago, mind you, I could do the entire routine (of which, this is only one small segement) flawlessly, with some degree of grace and ease... so I'm vent-y.

I made it through the first (longest) segement of the 3, with only minor unscheduled breaks and a few not-so-peaceful words out of my mouth.

The only easy part of the entire thing though... "corpse pose"!