first, i don't tend to use caps and i do tend to use excessive, somewhat misplaced, punctuation.
it goes back to my poetry and journal keeping days, when it was my unique writing style (rebel youth and all that) -- these days, its probably just laziness, but it works.
second, i am keeping this for me. if you stumble on it, that's great. if you don't like it, stumble away.
oh, third, i'm abrasive. i don't mean to be abrasive (i mean to be witty and enjoyably sarcastic) but that's the way the dice rolled.
the disclaimers out of the way, let me explain. my whole life, i've been the smart nerdy fat kid. the one who, as a young child, was the target of every bully and every comment made by the "i'm not a bully, i just want to be cool like my friends" kid. by middle school, i thought of myself as daria-esque, or at least angela from my so called life. except the part where i was fat. not insanely obese, back then, just fat. larger than everyone else. (by the way, when i look at pictures of back then, i really do wish i'd been less judgmental of myself, because i wasn't that bad.)
but i was always convinced that i was really a thin girl, trapped in this ungainly body.
2 years ago (exactly to the day...)... when my son was 3 months old and the day after i turned 28... i set out to find that thin person. You see, I'd put on more weight after my pregnancy than i had the entire pregnancy... and i could not find a single pair of jeans in all of wal-mart that fit anymore. that was the final straw.
so with our christmas money, we (i'll explain the "we" of this later) purchased a wii and wii fit, and i set out to prove i was really a thin person. and it somewhat worked. for the first year, i became obsessed with eating 5-6 perfectly measured and recorded, nutritionally balanced, healthy and colorful meals a day. i expanded my exercise routines to include multiple dvds, video games, weights, an exercise ball, and a stationary bike that was later replaced with a treadmill. i purchased a bodybugg (an electronic device that tracks your daily calorie burn for you - featured on the biggest loser) and eventually the digital display to go with it. during that year (long before the treadmill... that was purchased 6 months after i stopped losing weight, in fact) -- or at least, the first 9 months of that year -- weight came off beautifully. i went from 270 pounds to 220 pounds... the weight i'd been ever since i had my first child. (she turned 9 2 weeks ago by the way.)
and then, a series of unfortunate events combined... my son turned 1 and decided he no longer wanted to nurse (killing my free calorie burn, and sending me into a serious bout of depression) -- the lie of a relationship i'd been living with his father, who i had already caught cheating during my pregnancy, spiraled completely out of control, to the point that we still live together but that's it -- and my son started receiving disability, cutting off our food stamps. along with that, i had to accept that until my son was old enough to attend head start at the age of 3, there would be no returning to work for me. the daycares around here that i could afford if i was working aren't equipped to handle a child with a disability, even one as minor as his. so that means, stuck in a depressing situation with a person i am not to thrilled to be around, and dependent on them for almost everything.
so i started eating bad food, because we can get it for free from his work every night. (and applebee's is so nom nom that you forget it's bad, especially when it's free.) then, my son started crawling, walking, running, climbing... and for each new activity, gave up more sleep. that cut my workouts down from twice a day to once in the morning, if i could get up early enough. except, the treadmill had to go into the bedroom, where the non-boyfriend sleeps until 1-ish every afternoon. so... my 800 dollar toy is a clothing rack.
and and and and and. you can see where this is going.
the thing is, i learned something important. i am not a thin person trying to break out of my shell. my inner child IS a fat kid. she loves grease and salt and sugar. she loves the feelings she gets from laying in bed eating a box of cookies to help her sleep. a pizza is a one person meal to her. she has been known to strategically plan her eating so that she can do it alone, as if she was getting high. (by the way, as a recovering heroin addict, i know all about that.) she has habits, thoughts, and behaviors that would seem anti-social, and even somewhat disgusting, regarding food.
THAT IS OKAY.
because, if i accept my inner fat kid the way she is, then the 30 year old woman, mother of 2, excellent friend, loving daughter, great housekeeper, future wife of a rockstar, million dollar novalist... you get the idea. that woman, who is a fairly all around awesome person... can take control. if i accept that i am going to want bacon and eggs for dinner, then i can have 2 slices of bacon and 2 eggs for dinner when i want it. instead of sneaking an entire pound of bacon into the house when i'm alone, cooking it until the bacteria is dead, and gobbling it all up.
if i accept that that inner fat kid is going to want an entire cake, then i can do intelligent things, like purchasing an individual slice of cake. or, only baking when i am having company, and sending the leftovers away with them.
if i accept that the inner fat kid is going to want to stand inside the refridgerator door, shoving bites of whatever there is into her mouth, while heating up 3 hot dogs and a pile of french fries because that looked easy... then i can make sure to prepare dinner before i get to the point where "easy, now, starving, hunggggggry!" becomes an issue.
so... my new goal... is to treat my inner fat child well enough that she doesn't throw too many tantrums, and to ignore the ones that are out of control. much as i do with my toddler when he starts screaming because i wouldn't let him touch the stove. i think i more or less covered what that means above, when i said how knowing my fat kid will allow me to stay in control of her.
the blog is merely to let me keep track of how it goes.
and, you know, for fellow fat kids out there, if they ever stumble on it.
The image above was the first picture I took of me, when I set out 2 years ago.
Tomorrow, I will take a new starting picture.
The image below will be the last picture I took before I lost control again.
No comments:
Post a Comment